Dissociative Identity Disorder
by: LisaBri
I don’t require the use of a wheelchair.
I have use of my legs and arms.
I have my sight.
I can hear.
I am not physically challenged as a result of genetics or an accident.
Some would say I'm mentally challenged. I like to think of myself as a 'victim
turned survivor challenged.'
I had been diagnosed with PMS, Schizophrenia, Borderline Personality and
Manic Depressive until the final ruling that fit my life was acknowledged
– a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), formerly dubbed Multiple
Personality Disorder.
As a result of prolonged emotional, physical and sexual abuse which started
at the age of five (perhaps earlier), I was terrorized into submission time
and again and made to act and think as my perpetrators saw fit, leaving me
isolated with no real feelings of safety or independent identity.
My perpetrators were my mother, father, brothers, aunts and uncles.
I trusted them.
They betrayed me.
As a way to stay alive and sane, I created alters, separate identities within
myself, to cope with every aspect of my life. I did this without my knowledge.
When I reached adulthood without psychological intervention, I became aware
that something was amiss. Suddenly, there were voices, confusion and lost
time. Friends said I acted or behaved in a manner I didn't remember because
it was another alter performing. I began to hear conversations between alters
in my head and thought I was going crazy.
During this time, I spent the majority of every month in and out of hospitals,
treatment centers for alcohol and drug abuse, detox centers and admissions
to the local psychiatric ward.
It was here I found therapy. And in therapy I felt my first stirrings of
freedom. I learned about my disorder and how to work with my alters. I learned
they, including myself, had jobs to do, whether it was to hold the anger
for the system (encompassing all the alters), or to hold the sexual feelings
and the shame and guilt that arose from it.
In the therapeutic environment we learned to communicate our needs and wants
and most importantly, to trust all of ourselves, after all, we had survived
when so many didn't.
I can't say this would have been my first choice on how to live my life.
But I can say it has never been dull. It is both exciting and terrifying
to learn about yourself and all your complexities. For me, I live each day
as it comes and learn to love those inside me, who saved me over 40 years
ago.
It is for them that I celebrate life, but this time – on our terms.
LisaBri-a pseudonym- is a freelance writer, residing in
British Columbia with her dog, Highway. She has been published in Alone Together,
The Phoenix and True Story. She is currently working on her memoir and a
book incorporating The Gulf Islands of British Columbia's early settlement
thru a biographical look of one woman's perspective.
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