Obstacles plague a majority
of the population on a daily basis. This story is of my childhood bout
with cancer, the amputation of my leg, a battle with addiction, my own
childís brain tumor and my path from agnostic to Christ. It is my desire
that you will gain the experience, strength and hope you need to conquer
the obstacles in your path.
An early start
What was to become a life time of
obstacles started very early for me. At age eleven, I was diagnosed with
a cancerous bone tumor (ostio sarcoma) in my right knee. I was quickly
admitted to Doernbecher Childrenís Hospital at the University of Oregon
Medical School in Portland. You werenít placed at Doernbecher unless you
were very ill. Mom had to leave every night so there
I was, alone with strangers. Even though the nurses were helpful and kind,
Iíd never stayed alone without family
before.
For three months I was treated with large doses of X-ray therapy and chemotherapy, which was very new in 1963. Nothing was killing the Cancer. About that time, a new girl was put in our room. She had an artificial leg that she put under the bed at night. I remember being very sad. I knew then, thatís what ìtheyî were going to do to me. I told no one about my feelings.
Amputation was the last resort with no guarantee that I would live only a 1 in 20 chance! They amputated my leg. After the surgery I awoke and looked down towards the end of the bed, realizing there was only one long bump in the covers. How could my leg be gone? My brain was still sending the messages that my leg was still there. Overwhelming sadness and nausea consumed me. I told no one. Stuffing my emotions had become automatic. I was alone with this huge reality that part of me was gone forever. I wanted to cry, but I saw that as a sign of weakness. I thought that I had to be strong. It was hard to understand. It would be 25 years before I had any counseling about the emotions around the removal of my leg.
That first week out in Portland society as an amputee was a horrifying experience as a child. It never entered my mind that things would be different than before the surgery. People would gawk with their mouths open or whisper and point as I walked by. Why did they do that? We were in a department store once, looking at a rack of clothing. I happened to look down and there was a small boy looking up under my skirt. I was so embarrassed. His mother grabbed his arm and yanked him away. I looked to my mother for direction. We smiled at each other and laughed it off. Mom tried to ease the situation by saying, ìHe was just a curious little boy, honey.î I was not laughing inside. I had to figure out how to protect myself from these unwanted experiences. On a lighter note, I didnít wear too many dresses after that!
We came home and resumed life as we knew it. I attended public school, took swimming lessons and played with neighborhood kids as usual. I was fitted with a prosthesis which I wore for six years at school only. It proved to be such a hindrance to me that I finally refused to wear it, preferring to use crutches. I had only worn it to make others feel better. When I thought I couldnít do something, my mother would say ìCanít never did anything.î As I learned later what Henry Ford said ìIf you think you can or you think you canít, youíre right.î
The limits of labels
As the years went by, I learned about words like cripple, disabled and handicapped. I hate these words because they are very limiting. When you label anything you automatically limit its reality. Do you drive a car, have you birthed two children, pushed a grocery cart, snow skied, written a book how about taking a spin class at the gym? I am doing or have done all of these thingsÖand more. I am a person with one leg. I am not crippled, not disabled, and most certainly not handicapped.
My goal has always been to defy these labels that society puts on people. My solution was to eliminate any traits that were associated with them from my persona. First impressions are crucial. Hair and clothes need to be stylish and fit well. The way I carry myself is paramount, straight posture, head up and making eye contact as I walk. It works. How do I know that? When I am wearing shorts and can walk up to a person and they ask how I broke my leg, Iíd say I have accomplished my goal.
Life goes on
College was a whole new set of references and choices. I found alcohol, wrote off men, and learned to snow ski. Oh yes, education. Alcohol was fun, and fun was something I hadnít had much of to that point. The ìfast laneî and ìliving on the edgeî was very appealing to me. I became more entwined in it as the years went by. In the end it was a life of drama, insanity and pain. Donít go there!
All through these years I used only my crutches. Graduation came and what would I do now? It was clear that restaurants and retail stores wouldnít hire me because of the crutches. My dream was to be a Fashion Designer. I got a degree in clothing and textiles with a teaching certificate. I used both of these degrees in the following years, but all the time drugs and alcohol were part of my life. When I met my future husband, Mark, we used together until we came to the place where recovery was a necessity. After two years of sobriety, we were married.
Here we go, again
Could life be more perfect? Married, two children, house in the suburbs, clean and sober 10 years. Here we go! My father dies, Mark is promoted to a new city, and my four year old child, Connor, is diagnosed with a brain tumor. ìNot again!î flashed in front of me. I turned instantly into the survival mode I had learned years ago. We can do this! I can help him have a different experience than my own.
From the beginning, I gave him age-appropriate information. We talked about things before they happened so that there were no surprises. We prayed and asked others to pray. Right before Connor went into surgery, our pastor prayed with us. There was a total calmness about Connor. As he passed through the double doors to the Operating Room, my own experience flashed before my eyes. I cried. Why did my baby have to experience this? I often wondered what it was like for my parents. Now I knew. Heart wrenching! They had nowhere near the support we had.
When a family experiences a major illness of one of its members, all are affected. It is important to make sure everyone understands to the level of their ability. We took my other son, Bryce, who was 2 1/2 years old, to see Connor at the hospital. Using the actual words ìbrain tumorî we showed him where it was located. Would he necessarily understand the term? No. But when you use a generic word like sick and then that child gets a cold, in their mind they are ìsick.î Would they have to be put in a hospital, too? We learned this with my younger brother. He lived in fear that if he got sick they would cut off his leg. My awareness now is that children need help learning how to verbalize what is going on in their lives. They have very literal minds and make assumptions that may not be true.
The breaking point
Connor had four operations that year. I could not abide another crisis. I was so depleted, I couldnít handle Connorís anger and frustration, which was being directed at me. We needed a break from each other. I enrolled him in day care for three days a week. It would be a huge struggle to even get him in the car seat. The teacher would have to come out and get him, or he would throw himself onto the floor and flail, but once I left he was fine. It was the last straw for me.
We started attending a church. I knew I needed something greater than myself and for me, that was Christ. After I asked Christ to come into my heart, I realized for the first time that every obstacle in my life was a challenge and a miracle. I had been given a second life. Yes, I am an amputee but there isnít much of anything I canít do.
By now we have sixteen years of sobriety, my child has absolutely no brain damage and best of all, I became a child of God. Every one of these miracles was essential to bring me to where I am today: willing to step out of the box and out into society to share my God-given miracles with you.
My biggest obstacles were my biggest gifts
Today is an incredible journey unfolding before my eyes. You can say my road has been far from easy. However, every twist or turn has brought me to my present place: a life filled with spiritual, emotional, physical and financial abundance. Life on the other side of fear is sweet! Remember ìCanít never did anything.î Know that youcan and Go For It!
Sue Erickson has been a Cancer survivor for over 40
years, and as an amputee she
knows first hand about overcoming obstacles. She is
a consultant, speaker and author of the upcoming book Big Obstacles...Bigger
Gifts.
Visit Sue at www.sue-erickson.com
or send email to sue@sue-erickson.com.
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